Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need a beard to bite.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
