Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Drunk is not a location!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
