I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
