oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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