Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize