guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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