dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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