Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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