im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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