end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
