Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize