A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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