I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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