apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
