my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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