I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
