I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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