I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
