there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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