Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
