It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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