please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
