I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
