i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize