I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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