dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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