My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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