I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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