I will die if light touches me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
