im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
foreskin is a definite game changer
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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