Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
