You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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