mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
There's even glitter on my cock...
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