pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
