my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
