I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
