"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize