If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
