For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
