Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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