He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
