Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The struggles of a small town man whore
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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