So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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