how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
