mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
