can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
