Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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