Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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