I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
and she was petting her beer can
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
