GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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