Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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