So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
