I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
